Lately I have been in a rut. I have so many dreams that I want to be able to fulfill. Recently someone told me to slow down and take one thing at a time...when it comes to my aspirations, the sky's the limit sometimes though.

    For instance, I want to live in Kenya for a while and open an orpanage...or do anything to help really. I would like to raise my children there (for a bit, I don't think I would be able to leave Texas for good! :) ) because I want to instill in them the fact that there are children in the world that don't have it as good as in the US. I don't want them to take anything for granted. In my profession, I see and interact with many children who who are selfish, rich brats. In my opinion, it is nearly always the parents' fault. If I can do anything as a parent (when I become one) it will be to instill a real compassion for ALL members of the human race, no matter what backgrounds they come from, how and where they were raised or where they went to University. We are all created equal.

    I want to expand my knowledge of so many things...literature, philosophy; learning in general. I want to get my Master's Degree. I am supposed to go in the fall, I have already registered for my classes, it just all depends on financial aid. I am excited to go back to school. I don't want to be stagnant...to keep learning, writing papers, researching, taking tests is something I love to do...I know, crazy. :) During my undergraduate, my favorite thing to do was to write the 25 page research paper. I would often have to stop myself from going to 50 pages and condense. When a professor says 25 pages...they mean 25 pages. No more, no less. When I start writing about a subject I am passionate about or something new I am learning about, I am like the energizer bunny. I keep going, and going, and going... :) Writing styles...I would love to write like Rebecca Eckler.

    I would love to be a director of a daycare center. I love children...

    I would love to be employed by my church full time in the future...I love my church...the people, the ministry, the teaching...I am growing so much as a believer in Christ. In that way, I am stagnant no longer. 

   I would absolutely LOVE to work for a newspaper or magazine some day. I want to write a column or an article.

    I want to be the best wife I can be. The past still bring nightmares at times and sometimes I get so scared. The screams, the running and hiding, the cowering, the crying, panicking, loneliness, terror, the threats, the unbearable pain, the unending darkness, the shaking with fear, the waking everyday upset that I was still alive, and the thoughts that I was going insane still haunt me occasionally in my dreams. Counseling and mentoring have helped a lot. To those special people in my life I owe an enormous debt. God is good and He has given me a wonderful gift in Mark.

    There are so many (probably too many) things I wish to accomplish in my life...I guess I would be content with just a few. :)

   

   I am confused about a couple of things having to do with theology and what I have always been taught. I work with a wonderful woman who brought several things to my mind yesterday. She believes exactly the same way I do (Jesus existed, was sinless, died on the cross for the sin of the world, rose again on the third day, and is coming back again...also that faith in Christ alone gets you into Heaven), but there are little things that I have never thought of, that are giving me pause as to what I have always been taught...what I know to be true. Or what I knew to be true. Western theology per se.

     For instance, are we born with sin already inherantly in us? Or, do we make the choice to sin?. I am inclined to believe the former, rather than the latter, simply because it is something I have always been taught...but, if God gives us a free will, are we predestined to sin even before conception? I am not sure. When Adam and Eve sinned in the garden of Eden, they ate from the Tree of Life; of good and evil. They made the choice to sin against God, to disobey Him. With that, brought sin into the world, but, does it mean it brought sin into the human being? It seems if God wanted to create human beings with a free will and free choice, rather than robotic beings, He would not "make" us with sin inherantly in us, because with that, sin would have to make up our character, and nature. When we are born, we don't have habits...we are, in fact, sinless; we have committed no wrong. Only when we reach that age of understanding right from wrong do we choose to do the right or wrong thing. I firmly believe that no human being can be perfect. It says in Roman 3:10 that no one is righteous, no not one...so I know that no one can be perfectly sinless, but are we necessarily riddled with sin from birth with no choice in the matter? Just some thoughts...and ramblings...

So...I am down today. A friend of mine unexpectantly died in a car accident September 6th. I think about her all the time. I have dreams about her. I can't believe she is gone. I miss her uplifting emails and our warm coffee nights.Things will never be the same again. Just last night I would catch myself looking at Mark and wondering if out of the blue he might die soon. My eyes would fill with tears at the very thought...and he is still very much alive! This is a very sobering thought...life is not guaranteed. I have learned never to take anything for granted.  Treat your loved ones with just that...love. If there is something you need to let go of...let it go. Nothing is worth getting that angry over. If you need to make amends with someone, do it. They, or you might not be here tomorrow. Tell the ones you love that you love them. Never part in anger or with an angry retort. Thank God for the life you have.